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 Relax Elisha Cuthbert, The NHL Doesn’t Think You’re A Slag

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PostRelax Elisha Cuthbert, The NHL Doesn’t Think You’re A Slag

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Relax Elisha Cuthbert, The NHL Doesn’t Think You’re A Slag

December 4th, 2008 at 11:00 by Stuart Heritage

Jack Bauer’s booby daughter and Paris Hilton’s alleged tonguey faux-lesbian pal she may be, but don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert.

Actually, let’s be a little clearer. Don’t you ever say anything mean about Elisha Cuthbert if you’re a professional ice hockey player who used to have sex with Elisha Cuthbert. Because if you do, you’ll pretty much be banned from ice hockey forever.

Just ask Sean Avery. He’s been suspended indefinitely from the NHL, and all because he called Elisha Cuthbert his ’sloppy seconds’. That’s not only obscene, but inaccurate - technically Cuthbert is Avery’s ’spunky doubledip’.

The world of celebrity and the world of sport don’t mix. They just don’t. In fact, we’ve tried as hard as possible and the only vaguely happy celebrity/sports couple we’ve managed to think of is world-renowned celebrity David Beckham and his wife Victoria who, as we all know, is a javelin.

But for further proof that you should never throw a celebrity into the sporting world, let’s look at Elisha Cuthbert. You may remember falling in love with Elisha Cuthbert when she starred as Kiefer Sutherland’s trouble-prone, bosom-heaving daughter in 24, or maybe you remember her from one of the countless terrible films she’s made subsequently. No, of course you don’t - those films are all so bad that people can’t even watch them ironically.

But if you’re Canadian, then there’s a chance you know Elisha Cuthbert for something else - her love of ice hockey players. Honestly, there’s just something about toothless, prematurely-aged, bemulleted rednecks who look like they can barely string a sentence together that just gets Elisha Cuthbert going.

For instance, Elisha used to be romantically linked with Sean Avery, an ice hockey player who can only really be described as looking like an inbred scarecrow with leprosy. But, for whatever reason, Cuthbert and Avery broke up and Elisha started seeing a man called Dion Phaneuf who, incidentally, is the only ice hockey player on earth with a surname that you can only pronounce properly if you pull your bumcheeks apart and gently fart.

So how did Sean Avery react to Elisha Cuthbert moving on so quickly? Well, by going on TV and saying:

“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada and I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing for guys in the NHL to fall in love with my sloppy seconds, I don’t know what that’s about.”

The statement wasn’t really a surprise - as a man who gets paid to wear metal blades on his feet and clatter into other people on purpose, nobody would ever expect Sean Avery to be particularly eloquent - but he forgot one thing when he called Elisha Cuthert his ’sloppy seconds’. And that’s that the NFL really bloody loves the 2005 remake of House Of Wax and will therefore never hear a bad word spoken about Elisha Cuthbert.

Which explains why Sean Avery has just been banned from ice hockey forever for saying it. Literally forever, as the New York Daily News reports:

The NHL rarely is amused by anything Sean Avery says or does, and proved it again by suspending [him] Tuesday night for what the league termed “inappropriate” comments and conduct “detrimental” to the game of hockey. Avery was banned indefinitely pending a hearing with NHL commissioner Gary Bettman for making derogatory comments about his former girlfriend - actress Elisha Cuthbert.

Yeah, that’ll teach Sean Avery! How dare he bring the NHL into disrepute by calling Elisha Cuthbert his ’sloppy seconds’! Everyone knows that ice hockey players live by a code of conducts that requires them to be polite, courteous and willing to knock up the unmarried teenage daughter of prospective American vice presidents at a moment’s notice. Avery was way out of line.

So how will this ban affect Sean Avery and Elisha Cuthbert? Well despite apologising for the remarks Sean Avery needs to look for a new job, possibly as a model for the ‘before’ picture in cosmetic surgery adverts. And now that everyone knows her as Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds, Elisha Cuthbert will probably find herself only making cheap, unpopular movies about subjects that nobody could ever find interesting.

So no change, really.
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